Actually a genuine guide to understand attraction & sexuality

I’ll tell you what, I wish I knew about all this stuff when I was figuring out my sexuality. Because when you’re okay with kissing men but you never want to sleep with one, that shit is confusing. So, really, what is the difference between sexual, physical, romantic attraction, and everything in between?

I’m going to take a swing at things and say chances are you’re here because either:

1. you have always felt a bit different from other people when it comes to attraction.
2. you feel some things but not all the things you think you should for someone.
3. The textbook style explanations elsewhere were overwhelming.
4. someone gave you a term to describe themselves and you didn’t know what it meant (which is very sweet that you’re here now to understand- congrats on being cool).

Regardless of the reasons, worry not! While there are a lot of seemingly complex definitions and categories, they aren’t too difficult to understand. After all, many of these ideas or concepts you’re already familiar with, you just didn’t have a word for it yet.

Attraction- what does it mean and why are there different types of it?

Humans have always had a variety of relationships, it’s never just been “friends or sex”, no matter how much your local toxic Tanner wants to convince you otherwise. You can, in fact, have friends without wanting to bone them. And you can love someone and want to spend your life with them without wanting to dive into their trousers, too.

Understanding why we feel drawn towards different people for different reasons is incredibly empowering. Not only can it help you to understand yourself more in navigating relationships, it can also help you to understand how others operate as well. And that yes, forcing someone to deviate from their natural attraction is incredibly harmful. All variations are valid (so long as it’s safe, legal, and consensual).

“attraction is a quality or force of someone or something that tends to pull others in or create interest in the person or thing.”

Cambridge Dictionary

• Aesthetic attraction: liking or appreciating the appearance or style of someone, separate from sexual or romantic desire.
  • example: I think that Harry Styles dresses really well and in a way that I want to emulate. This makes me highly fixated on him at times, but if he ever tried to kiss me I would sprint in the opposite direction (laughs in lesbian).
• Physical or sensual attraction: desire to interact in a tactile way, such as cuddling or hugging. Can be platonic (with a friend) or romantic (with a partner).
  • example: sometimes I really enjoy cuddling my friends (when the idea of physical intimacy doesn’t scare me), but I would never want to have sex with them.
• Emotional attraction: desire to know or get close to someone for who they are versus what they are.
  • example: I made friendships based on individual personalities, meaning I have males mixed in my friend groups (the controversy! The absolute gall of it all!).
• Intellectual attraction: desire to engage in things such as conversation with someone, or the want to understand how they think.
  • example: I would really love to understand the minds of people who astral project onto Mars, but that don’t mean I want to cuddle or date y’all.
• Romantic attraction: desire for a deeper, more personal connection in the form of a relationship. Time to court and woo them, bucko.
  • example: I always wanted to be around women, do sweet things for them, support them unconditionally, and know them better than anyone else – but I never thought about sleeping with them (at first). I never thought about any of it when it came to men, haha~

• Sexual attraction: desire for sexual contact with a person or thing. AKA you want to mess with those trinkets down under. You wanna pillage those undergarments, pal.
  • example: I see a hot soft masc lesbian or enby with short brown hair and tattoos, then my coochie meow meow does backflips.

ALL of these are separate from one another. One can exist without any of the others being true, and vice versa.

You can desire sex with someone, but not want to date them; want to cuddle some friends, but not others; want to understand how someone thinks, but not want to be their friend.

Sexual attraction & orientation

Okay, so we now know that romantic and sexual attraction are separate from each other. One can exist without the other. And we also know that not everyone on the planet feels romantic or sexual attraction the same way, which is why we have different definitions to describe them.

Helloooooo hetero- and homosexuals, the golden children of sexual orientation.

“Sexual orientation is a term used to describe a person’s identity in relation to the gender(s) to which they are sexually attracted”

Oxford Languages

Sexual and romantic orientation is separate from the biological sex assigned at birth. I explain the difference between sex and gender here more in depth.

The terms used to describe sexual orientation, like gay or lesbian, are probably already familiar. However, new terms were created to encompass the whole spectrum of sexual attraction. While not exhaustive, it’s a great list to explain most.

• Straight or heterosexual: person sexually attracted to a different gender. Typically seen as a man sexually attracted to a woman or vice versa.
  • important note: This does not include sexual or biological characteristics. A man sexually attracted to a transgender woman (person who is male to female) is still straight.
• Homosexual: person sexually attracted to the same gender.
  • important note: This does not include sexual or biological characteristics. A woman sexually attracted to a transgender woman (person who is male to female) is still homosexual.
  • Gay: typically used to describe a man who is attracted to another man, although it can apply to anyone who is attracted to the same gender.
  • Lesbian: typically used to describe a woman who is attracted to another woman, although can still apply to non-binary female-presenting or partially identifying people.
• Bisexual: person sexually attracted to two or more genders, typically men and women. Although, it can also include non-binary people.
• Pansexual: person sexually attracted to any gender or identity. Typically someone who doesn’t have a genital preference and is attracted to people who are men, women, trans, non-binary, genderqueer, intersex, etc.
• Questioning: person who is unsure about their orientation.
  • example: me at 21, who thought I was straight until I played beer pong with a hot girl and didn’t stop thinking about her for months.
• Asexual or ace: person who does not feel sexual attraction towards any gender or person.
  • important note: being an asexual person does not mean you don’t feel pleasure with masturbation or don’t enjoy non-sexual intimacy. Asexual people still have emotional needs and can enjoy/desire romantic relationships, they just don’t experience arousal or the desire to be sexual towards other people. Some may still use the labels gay, lesbian, or bisexual to describe their gender preference(s).
• Demisexual: person who doesn’t experience sexual attraction until a close bond has been formed. Can be used in conjunction with another label to describe gender preference(s).
  • note: this goes beyond hookup culture and not wanting to sleep with someone until you know them. It means you do not feel any arousal towards someone or have the desire to be sexual with someone until you know them on a more intimate level.

Romantic attraction & orientation

“Romantic orientation describes a pattern of romantic attraction based on a person’s gender, regardless of sexual orientation”

LGBT center of UNC

Romantic attraction labels are very similar to the sexual attraction ones. In fact, all you have to do is replace “sexual” with “romantic”. Super easy! Romantic orientation explains the desire to be in a relationship with someone. And since romantic and sexual attraction are separate, you can desire sex from one gender but not want a relationship with them at the same time.

• Heteroromantic: the romantic attraction towards someone of a different gender.
• Homoromantic: the romantic attraction towards someone of the same gender.
• Biromantic: the romantic attraction towards two or more genders.
• Panromantic: the romantic attraction towards any gender or identity.
• Aromantic: someone who does not feel romantic attraction towards any gender or person.
  • important note: being an aromantic person does not mean you don’t feel any sexual desire or enjoy having sex with other people.
• Demiromantic: person who doesn’t experience romantic attraction until a close bond has been formed.
  • important note: a close bond doesn’t mean attraction is automatically felt. You can still have close platonic friends, you just won’t feel romantic desires with someone until you know them deeply.
• Polyromantic: the romantic attraction towards multiple people at one time.

About those labels…

Yes, labels are important to know. They can be very empowering and informative, however, they can also feel very restrictive. You should use whatever label feels correct to you. They are really more of a guideline to help explain very complex feelings.

On that same token, it is not up to you on how someone else identifies. It is also not up to you to out a person’s identity. It can take a very long time to figure out what labels feel comfortable. It’s okay to take your time, it is also okay to come out multiple times. This life is your own, live it in the way that feels the most true to who you are.