I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had conversations with my straight friends (and therapist) to help them understand the lesbian dating sphere. To most, our antics may seem dramatic, extreme, and toxic (you get a red flag, and you get a red flag!)
Really, they aren’t completely off. The endless whirlwinds of romance and subsequent heartbreak would leave anyone with a concussion… But before you judge too much, we just have a lot of feelings okay?
I got tired of explaining our cultureTM, so I decided to track down my local straight friends and trusted internet guides for their top red flags in new relationships – then compare them to how lesbians date.
*I just want to preface this by saying I’m speaking on a lot of general stereotypes that I’ve found to be true with lesbian dating. In no way am I saying everyone and every relationship is like this. Everyone is different, people and their experiences are diverse*
Red Flag #1: Love Bombing
If I were an unsuspecting observer, I would probably find this kind of behavior to be a red flag in a hetero relationship too. I mean, someone showing you they’re interested, committed, and care about you? Pack it up buddy, take that toxic behavior elsewhere /s.
“Love bombing is when you are showered with non-stop gifts, compliments, and attention”
The Better You Institute
In all seriousness, this behavior is said to be a red flag because it’s typically used as a manipulation tactic. They shower you with affection to get you invested, and then can later take it away to get you to do what they want. I love my straight friends, but y’all can take 4 fucking years to decide if you like each other enough to live together. And we all know men don’t have emotions (sarcasm), so if they’re overly emotional in the beginning, make sure you run.
However, this is classic lesbian behavior. To the untrained eye (like my straight therapist) it may seem toxic, but it’s a common mating ritual filled to the fucking brim with extravagant wooing.
Imagine all those fantasy stories you were told as a child, where a prince went to the ends of the earth for some princess. Made sure she knew she were loved, taken care of, and that he was always there for her. That kind of love story permeated the deepest depths of our romance psyche. Quite beautiful, and over the top, right?
That prince and princess dynamic encapsulates the lesbian experience. Lesbians are the most dramatic lot I have ever met when it comes to love and dating. As a child, you could love more fully, completely, innocently, and irrationally than any other time in your life. Lesbians never grew out of that phase. It’s like the Bee movie, but real.
To someone from the outside, it does just seem like an irrational fantasy. How could it be real and not fabricated as a ploy for manipulation? Not to lead you astray, it definitely can be, but generally speaking – much less so for the dykes. We just want to loooooveee someone~
“(with manipulative people….) the first date is often like a dream or a scene from a movie, because your date is so charming and complimentary of you, telling you you’re such a special person and they are so glad to be with you.”
Business Insider
Good fucking luck finding a lesbian who doesn’t treat you like you’re the one from the getgo. When we love, we love HARD. We recognize every woman or enby deserves to be treated like royalty.
…With that said, lesbian points x2 if they ghost you right after making you feel oh so special. (I did mention heartbreak in the beginning, right?)
Red Flag #2: Too Serious Too Soon
The idea that over-sharing early on is toxic always cracks me up, because I genuinely forget it isn’t normal outside of queer relationships. Also, the fact that dates don’t always last up to 3 days straight because you don’t want to leave one another.
“When people start telling you stuff that is really personal really quickly, it displays a kind of neediness and clinginess”
Insider
A lesbian who is needy and clingy? Why, I could never imagine such a thing! I personally never understood why discussing kids, marriage, or sex was taboo. To me it all seems like relevant information, and I’m a slut for open communication. If I’m willing to discuss all that with you, then I genuinely like you.
If we aren’t talking childhood trauma and deep seeded fears on the first couple dates, what are we doing?
Really, though, I think we already established that lesbians are an overly romantic species. We get personal quick and keep U-Haul in business for a reason. I have never gone on a first date with a lesbian who didn’t ask some varying degree of “so what things in life fucked you up?” (hint-parents. It’s always the parents).
Red Flag #3: Talking About Their Ex
This red flag says talking about an ex hints you aren’t over them.
“If they bring it up, then keep it to a minimum (literally like under a minute). Anything longer than that pretty much proves they’re not over it.”
POOSH
Haha, ooooh boy, lesbians will one up you so hard on this one. Look, we already said that when we care about someone, we care a lot (source: above sections).
We won’t stop at just talking about our exes, we’ll be friends with them too. Which makes sense considering how difficult it can be to find and make queer friends.
For example, I currently live with one of my lesbian friends whose ex girlfriend lives in our backyard (they’re best friends too).
Through all of my research (AKA dating), there are two possibilities here for ex relationships. Either the one described above where they’re still friends, or they’re mortal enemies. There’s no other choice for someone who has seen you naked. Hell has no fury like a lesbian scorned~
Considering how intense lesbian relationships can be, this makes sense. Either you care about each other too much to separate completely, or you cared so much the breakup was explosive. Either way, count on your date telling you all the dirty details early on (and don’t act like you don’t want to hear it all.)
Red Flag #4: Bad Relationship With Their Parents
Y’all, this is 2021, does anyone have a good relationship with their parents? Or maybe I’m just biased because I am so immersed in queer culture where most of us don’t.
“(if) she spends the first date elaborating on how much she hates her mother or her family…run now before you end up the next person on her list of “failed relationships.”
Psychology Today
Honestly, if someone doesn’t have a good relationship with their parents it indicates to me they’re healthier. The queer person with a healthy relationship with both parents is the white whale.
There are a lot of factors for these poor relationships: parents not accepting their child’s queerness, the parent’s religion, lack of understanding, judgement, forceful conversion therapy, etc.
If someone can recognize their unhealthy relationship with their parents and then distance themselves, that’s something to celebrate in my eyes. It takes a lot to do.
If you know of a queer person with a good relationship, understand this is uncommon and a beautiful thing. If they do not, it’s probably not their fault and they still deserve your support.
Red Flag #5: “That’s Just How I Am”
We all know someone who loves to throw this excuse around when describing their shitty choices. I would agree that generally, yes, it’s super annoying and can be toxic. If you fucked up, just say that, don’t blame it on things that are “outside of your control.”
“(this phrase) has become a rationalization for selfish tendencies and arrogant attitudes.”
When in Manila
However, I would like to see you try and challenge a lesbian to not use their astrology sign as an excuse at least once. The fact I’m even writing this article is very Virgo sun and Pisces moon of me.
Yes, when serious it’s a bit toxic, but let’s be honest here. We’re all going to download CoStar and The Pattern anyway because astrology queers are hot. Exchanging charts is fun. Accept your fate on this one and roll with the punches.
The Conclusion
Straight red flags are laughable to the lesbians. We spit on them, stomp them into the ground, and dance on their corpses. We take your red flags and make them a badge of honor (even when we probably shouldn’t).
Really, though, most of these don’t matter much to us because we’re so open about most things. We don’t have rules, WE HAVE LOVE. Which almost always gets us into trouble anyway, and can be toxic, but the intent is good.
Confused about some of the labels used in this article? I explain them in more depth here.