Look, I get it. As someone who uses they/them pronouns, this sh- can be confusing.
Pronoun discourse really only became widespread in the last few years, so it’s understandable that people have some sort of aversion to changing up the status quo.
After all, it worked for so long right? Why change it up now?!
Ha sike, it didn’t.
At least it didn’t for the queer people in an already vulnerable community. If it were common for you to be killed and attacked for who you loved, wouldn’t you also choose to confuse those bigots even more with pronouns??
Of course you wouldn’t. Because generally, people enjoy living a hate-crime free life.
So, if you find yourself being someone who would like to support those around you by creating a welcoming and accepting place for them to express themselves (but you honestly have no clue what’s going on) you came to the right place!
First things first-
And pay attention because this one is important.
You don’t need to understand someone in order to support them.
You don’t need to know someone’s struggles, how they feel, what they’ve been through, for their desires to be valid.
You don’t question why Dick, whose legal name is Richard, made such a choice. You don’t demand that he explain himself before you start saying “Good morning, Dick!”
Or maybe you do, because really? Dick out of all things? (Joking!)
Either way, it’s not our place to question other people and the way they express themselves when it does no harm to us. You wouldn’t question someone’s grief after a loss even if you have never felt loss before. You don’t need to have personally felt something to support the people around you.
So, what are the different types of pronouns?
I’m so happy you asked! Here, I’ll list them for you~
she/her : generally for someone who is a woman or identities as more “feminine”
he/him : generally for someone who is a man or identities as more “masculine”
they/them : generally for someone who is gender neutral (not a man or woman)
“But hold on, I know someone who uses zir! What about them?” You may be thinking to yourself.
That type of neo-pronoun was created as there was a need for more inclusivity in our language. Pronouns like Ze, Xem and Sie are additional gender-neutral terms to encompass a wider spectrum of identities. It’s also becoming increasingly common for people to ditch pronouns altogether, instead only going by their names.
So what do these pronouns look like?
It’s easy to see these as annoying due to need to learn something new. It can be confusing and frustrating, but remember these pronouns wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a need for them. In a 2019 gender census, “xe” was the second most commonly used gender-neutral pronoun.
You may have also noticed people who incorporate multiple pronouns, such as they/she, or he/they.
These are for people who are okay with various pronouns. Typically, they will put their most preferred at the front but are still comfortable with the second. Everyone feels a bit different when it comes to their identity, however, so if you’re unsure just ask!
And look, I know it’s a meme, but you shouldn’t assume someone’s gender. Appearances can be deceiving, and you shouldn’t rely on them if you can help it.
As someone who looks like a cis-gendered woman, I get called she/her all the time. Am I going to correct everyone? No, I don’t have that kind of energy. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me uncomfortable every time I heard it.
Just ask (even if you think you know)
I promise, a large majority of people who identity as queer will love it if you ask for their pronouns/what they like to be called. Getting cis-gendered people to take up the habit of asking is the biggest help to normalizing this practice. It-
- helps us to not seem alien
- normalizes it among your peers who may otherwise adversely treat us
- lets us know you’re a safe human.
It takes zero dollars to ask “what are your pronouns?”
And think of the reward! ~
Try to avoid asking someone why they want to go by the pronouns they’ve chosen. If you have a really good relationship, you might get away with it without offense. Otherwise, try to get comfortable with the fact you don’t need to know the details of someone’s personal information.
Discovering gender identity (and likewise, pronouns) can be an extremely difficult and confusing journey. Asking the why may unintentionally come across as “okay, well prove to me why I need to call you xyz.”
Which isn’t what you’re trying to say (hopefully).
Understand that they/them is singular
“Almost anyone under the circumstances would have doubted if [the letter] were theirs, or indeed if they were themself.”
-Emily Dickinson 1
If the famous author from the 1800s can use they/them as a singular pronoun, so can you. In fact, it has been used as a singular pronoun for someone with an unspecified gender since the 1300s1.
“Oh no! They dropped their wallet!”
“I wonder where they got their shirt.”
“I met Moe at work, they’re hilarious!”
There is a long history of people who didn’t conform to expected gender expression or weren’t obviously a male or female. In 17th century Europe, in fact, English laws would commonly refer to these people as “it”1.
Which obviously, quite a lot of people would find offense to now.
I, generally, don’t like to be dehumanized in such a way. Some people do like to use it as a pronoun however, and we should still respect their choice to do so!
If you’re someone who says they simply can’t use they/them singularly due to grammar, ask yourself why your grammar rules (albeit wrong, as stated above) trump someone’s identity.
If you genuinely cared about supporting someone, then you would genuinely try to accommodate them where you easily can.
Easy ways to make people feel comfortable without asking them
My fellow introverts, I’m looking at you~
There are some really nice ways to support others without having to directly ask them (booya!). This is nice on both ends as it doesn’t directly out them if they don’t want to be.
In a corporate culture, or casually too I suppose if you’re a bit of a boomer, you can add your pronouns to your email signature.
Example:
Dear reader,
Thanks for being here.
Best,
Moe
they/them
Nice and easy, right?
When doing introductions, in a group or individually, you can also tack on your pronouns after your name.
“Yes hello, nice to meet you. I’m Mike and use he/him.”
This allows other people to feel safe in disclosing their pronouns as well, where they may have otherwise kept it to themselves in order to feel safe.
Afterall, in new situations with new people, who wants to reveal personal information that others may potentially judge you harshly for? Especially when you have no way of knowing which among these new people may have the tendency to hate crime.
If you’re someone who would like to add a bit of flare to your wardrobe, you can also incorporate pronoun pins. This is an easy identifier for everyone around you, and again, lets others know it’s safe to disclose that information to you.
Worried you’ll be the only one taking these actions? Understandable. It’s strange to be the first one to do anything, hence why wedding dance floors are a persistent nightmare.
But think of it this way-
If you’re the first, you have the opportunity to start a trend. You may inspire others to be more inclusive as well, and as a consequence, help to make your environment a much more diverse one. Ideally, into a space where everyone would then be able to freely express who they are safely.
Now, doesn’t that sound wonderful?
I messed up! What do I do?
First of all, stop panicking!
Everyone makes mistakes, no one will hold it against you.
We’re all aware that changing pronouns is a relatively new thing for most people. What matters is that you’re trying and you care to accommodate someone.
If you accidentally mess up, simply give a short “sorry!” and correct yourself.
No profuse apologizing needed!
If you’re sobbing at my feet at how sorry you are to have called me a lady, when you could’ve just moved on, it makes everyone uncomfortable. I understand the need to make your intentions clear, but overly apologizing can add a sense of responsibility to comfort you. I don’t want to comfort you, I would like to continue my conversation about tacos, thank you very much.
When in doubt, less is more. If the moment has passed, don’t worry about it. Just do your best to correct yourself moving forward.
What pronouns should I use?
This is a bit of a loaded question, but I get asked it quite frequently nonetheless.
Here’s the thing, no one can determine this for you.
Pronouns are an entirely personal decision, and only you can decide what feels the most you.
What I would recommend if you’re questioning, is asking the people closet to you to change what pronouns they use for you. If you’ve only gone by she/her before, try going by they/them for a little while as see how it feels! You should feel free to try whatever you would like.
Give it a good amount of time to adjust, then reevaluate how it makes you feel to be called something different. It’s a bit like trying out new outfits – if it gives you the warm fuzzies, you’re on the right path!
It may take some experimentation to find the right language for you, and that’s okay! Nothing is linear. If something feels right to you now, but not later, that’s also completely normal.
Lastly, remember you’re learning!
There will always be hiccups when you first start learning anything.
No one expects you to be an expert, or really know anything at all.
Pronouns are relatively new to the mainstream, which makes them foreign. The fact you’re even taking initiative to learn is HUGE, don’t forget that.
Don’t be afraid to remind people you’re learning, that you’re trying to respect them the best way you can.
Respect builds respect. You respecting their identity makes them respect you more in turn.
In reading this, you’re taking an amazing step towards becoming a more inclusive person. However, it doesn’t stop here. Start taking action for the full transformation moment~
Just know that like the people you’re trying to support, they’re there to support you through your learning journey too. Thank you for taking the time to educate yourself or others.
Like to learn more? Check out previous articles like understanding the different kinds of attraction.